Posted in Personal, tagged Personal on November 18, 2014|
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As you may have noticed, I haven’t added to this blog at all for months/years now. I have to say that I don’t think I will from now on as I’ve lost enthusiasm for it plus I am concentrating on guqin and other artistic pursuits, including trying to get a book done and all that.
This year of 2014 has been my annus horribilis; nothing has gone right for me this year and especially in June when I narrowly dodged a proverbial bullet. I’m still a bit shaken by events this year and wish to completely forget this year ever happened once the clock strikes 12am on the 1st January.
In any case, I have done some editing of this blog and would continue to do so for the existing pieces until the most important articles do not have broken images.
I might update the Top Hat Guide when there is a need but don’t hold your breath. I know some info on it has begun to become out of date already. I haven’t been keeping up with top hat news as of late. Plus, I’ve gone off tailoring and such as I never was able to get the apprenticeship I wanted on The Row. In fact, everywhere I go it seems they can’t see talent and potential when it is smack bang in their faces. Well, if they can’t be bothered then it’s their loss.
Friends I thought I had seem distant and indifferent. Too much bitching and intrigue everywhere I go. I’ve been frustrated and tired of everything so it’s best to leave it all behind and get on with life.
To be honest, I feel like a civil servant in ancient China that has been disenchanted with the whole of society and what life has thrown at me and now want to retire to the mountains and forests, become a Daoist and spend the rest of my days playing qin and reading and writing calligraphy etc. They are the only things that seem worthwhile now.
Anyway, I hope you found my blog useful and wish you all well.
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I have picked up my journal today. It has been about two years since my last entry. Reflecting on the contents of the 4 volumes that I have produced, it is rather startling.
My journal entries began in 1999 after an argument with my sister. As the entries and years go by I seem to write exclusively upsetting stuff and only at times when I am distressed to the point of wanting a cathartic release with the pen and paper. I’ll have to estimate that at least 90% of my entries are full of woes and anxieties. I could barely find much joy. I also discovered how i came to realise certain things; like how I discovered my homosexuality (there was no point of realisation but gradual debate in my mind) and discovery of my every growing enstrangement with my family, especially my parents.
When I read some of the stuff I wrote these past few years, I could not help by begin to cry. My constant questioning about my existence, the parleying with my will to die, the debate about my personal beliefs and my constant fight to find hope in a sea of despair. It brought it all back to me.
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… requesting her to instigate a new Order of chivalry for posthumous accolade
This is a draft that I’m working on and may not be the final draft sent to her.
For those of you who don’t know, Mr Tony Hart has died but days ago with no accolade even though he deserves one. Recently, some people have petitioned No. 10 for such an accolade to be awarded to him. From what I gather, No. 10 responded that there was a limit to each year of how many accolades can be awarded. Now that Mr Hart has passed away, there is no way of him receiving such an accolade posthumously as it is forbidden, save that of the Victoria Cross or other military medals that Mr Hart is not qualified to. This is such a travesty of justice as I have seen many people get accolades for less than what Mr Hart had contributed to society (June Sarpong? WTF…)
The only other way is for a new Order to be founded which has a clause for posthumous awards and that can only be done by the Queen herself as the monarch is the only one with the power to do so. Plus, there are others who maybe deserving of such an accolade that have slipped out of sight and died without recognition. This is long overdue. Why can only military accolades be awarded posthumously when civil ones cannot?
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When I went to the town this evening
I saw a young gentleman as beautiful as spring
He wore a brilliant suit, with hat and tie
A well trimmed beard and pure blond hair.
For a moment my heart stopped beating
My eyes transfixed at this glorious man.
I forgot where I was and the time flew by
The passersby went passed me unnoticed.
I had several thoughts in those moments.
I pictured him and me dancing
I full White Tie and tails in a ballroom
Alone with no one else but our eyes.
I broke from this daydream and saw
His eyes were on me as he walked towards.
I panicked and blushed and fumbled about,
As he approached me and asked for the time.
Taken aback and confused and embarrased
I pulled my pocket watch out and opened it.
He smiled at me and my heart weakened.
If only I could tell you how I feel about you.
He said thank you and doffed his hat.
He walked away as I stared at his back.
My heart sank as he disappeared behind the bank.
What could have been flashed through my mind.
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