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Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

As you may have noticed, I haven’t added to this blog at all for months/years now. I have to say that I don’t think I will from now on as I’ve lost enthusiasm for it plus I am concentrating on guqin and other artistic pursuits, including trying to get a book done and all that.

This year of 2014 has been my annus horribilis; nothing has gone right for me this year and especially in June when I narrowly dodged a proverbial bullet. I’m still a bit shaken by events this year and wish to completely forget this year ever happened once the clock strikes 12am on the 1st January.

In any case, I have done some editing of this blog and would continue to do so for the existing pieces until the most important articles do not have broken images.

I might update the Top Hat Guide when there is a need but don’t hold your breath. I know some info on it has begun to become out of date already. I haven’t been keeping up with top hat news as of late. Plus, I’ve gone off tailoring and such as I never was able to get the apprenticeship I wanted on The Row. In fact, everywhere I go it seems they can’t see talent and potential when it is smack bang in their faces. Well, if they can’t be bothered then it’s their loss.

Friends I thought I had seem distant and indifferent. Too much bitching and intrigue everywhere I go. I’ve been frustrated and tired of everything so it’s best to leave it all behind and get on with life.

To be honest, I feel like a civil servant in ancient China that has been disenchanted with the whole of society and what life has thrown at me and now want to retire to the mountains and forests, become a Daoist and spend the rest of my days playing qin and reading and writing calligraphy etc. They are the only things that seem worthwhile now.

Anyway, I hope you found my blog useful and wish you all well.

Best wishes,

Charles.

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Journals and Eulogies

I have picked up my journal today. It has been about two years since my last entry. Reflecting on the contents of the 4 volumes that I have produced, it is rather startling.

My journal entries began in 1999 after an argument with my sister. As the entries and years go by I seem to write exclusively upsetting stuff and only at times when I am distressed to the point of wanting a cathartic release with the pen and paper. I’ll have to estimate that at least 90% of my entries are full of woes and anxieties. I could barely find much joy. I also discovered how i came to realise certain things; like how I discovered my homosexuality (there was no point of realisation but gradual debate in my mind) and discovery of my every growing enstrangement with my family, especially my parents.

When I read some of the stuff I wrote these past few years, I could not help by begin to cry. My constant questioning about my existence, the parleying with my will to die, the debate about my personal beliefs and my constant fight to find hope in a sea of despair. It brought it all back to me.

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